Snow Ball 2007

Suzy is here so of course we had to get together and see her. Sorry we missed you Becca. Here are some photos from the evening. First we had dinner at Marrakesh. Kim met me at my house and drove up with us, she was only 10 minutes late! Go Kim! Very exciting. Suzy's sister Lisa and her husband Tom brought Suzy and John so there were 9 of us at dinner. It was a lot of fun. When the belly dancer came by we told her it was Lisa's birthday so she had to get up for the lesson. Here is a picture of that.

Pic of Suzy, John and I. Suzy is wearing her napkin/towel as a bib so she doesn't get her white top messy.

Then we went to a club that just so happened to have an 80s night when Suzy was here. It was way crowded which I was totally not expecting. The first place we tried to find to dance there was no room, so I dragged Suzy up onto the stage for a song. Beth told us later that we pissed off some scary girl and she was glaring at us for the whole song. It was "boys Don't Cry" by the Cure for anyone who wants to know. If I had known that she thought she owned that stage, I think we would have stayed up there!!



Several minutes after that Beth said "Hey, it's Kristen"! So we went over to hang out with her. Apparently she goes to this 80s night every month with some friends. Everyone cancelled so she was there with her husband. As soon as we came over he said hello to everyone then he said "Good, you have friends here now so I'm leaving" and he did! But here she is...looks the same as ever.

Now, for all of you who read this, (ok, Becca and Heather) I have to share this story...Beth and I have had conversations, me teasing and saying that my friends here are lame and won't go out dancing and I have to go to Florida to go out dancing with Stacy and Cynthia and Beth says "Yeah, that's not my thing". However, she is a big fat liar and had as good a time as Suzy and I and here is the proof! And I know you will hate this picture Beth, but who looks here except the four of us??

Oh! I forgot to mention, check out what Lisa is wearing.  She was planning on going home after dinner and skipping the club because she was not feeling well the night before.  However, she was feeling much better and  we were having a great time so she wanted to go to the club but she was wearing work clothes.  So Suzy says "Let's go to the stripper store" we were on South Street after all.  So we did and Lisa got that corset to wear. And then announced "man, that's a lot of tits I have"!  LOL!  She looks really good and consider that she is the first of us to be 40! 

 We are hoping that Heather is out of the boot by February so that we can go back for the Mute Records anniversary party. A celebration of Depeche Mode and Erasure so there is some incentive for you! As if you can do anything about it. Finally, here are a couple of random pictures. If you want to see any more there are some on my MySpace page and Suzy's. Becca, you can't look at mine because only 'friends' can see my pictures. I have to have it that way because of my job.

Life Lessons

So here is the story of what happened yesterday. Aly wanted some boy named Cody to come over on Saturday. I said no because we had to go to my grandmother's funeral. She wanted him to come over later in the evening but he needed a ride home and I did not feel like doing that so the answer was still no. I was feeling generous and was was going to tell her that he could come over Sunday because she got a bum deal the rest of the weekend. She has to stay home with her brother on Fridays and then Saturday she had to go to a funeral. So we are eating breakfast at noon (teehee) on Sunday and this kid just shows up. Rob was mad and wanted to send him home but I was going to let her invite him over so I said let him stay and we will discuss this with her later. The end result of that was she never told him that we said it was ok for him to come over.

So he comes in, Aly is not even dressed. He introduces himself, obviously, I sent Aly to gt dressed, and I had Brandon show him where the PlayStation was. When Aly came down I asked her who brought him, she said his dad, and then I asked if his dad smokes or if it is him that smokes. She tells me she asked him and he said he does not smoke, so she guesses his dad.

She calls Sheila to come over, then they all went to Sheila's to decorate the Christmas tree. When they came back, Rob and I were cleaning the garage. Rob went in the house for something, came out and told me "teen drama unfolding". A few minutes later, Aly, Shelby and Sheila come into the garage and Aly is crying. I ask her what's wrong. She's upset because he lied. He does smoke. She doesn't understand why he lied about it. I said, "What have I told you? This is your lesson for the day, I know what I am talking about, BOYS LIE."

After we took him home I asked her if she asked him why he lied. He said because he knew that both she and Sheila didn't like it and he thought they wouldn't like him if they knew. (So why he went out and smoked when he was at Sheila's-no idea, whatever.) But anyway, that just proves my point that boys will say whatever if they think it will get them what they want. Is it wrong to teach my daughter that? I think not!

Today she came home and told me that "everyone" at school said Cody is also on drugs. So I think we're done with Cody. He seemed like a nice enough kid and didn't look like he was on drugs, but who knows.

Are You Kidding Me

What is with this weather?! Of course, I have wonderful bus duty starting tomorrow. Supposed to be freezing and wet. Just one more reason to hate my job.

It's That Time Again

These photos represent ONE HOUR of raking. So I guess I could also title this one million reasons to live in an apartment. This is only from the driveway and along the very front of the yard. Notice that in the last picture, taken up close to the house, behind those trees in the front, leaves are still a foot deep on the ground.

On another note, if you look through my old posts you can find last year's leaf pictures and compare the house. We got a new roof, new front door and had the siding capped in a non-ugly color.

So, now I am off to continue working on the kitchen. One day that may actually be finished.

Aly's Jeans

We have had this issue with Aly coming home with her jeans and arms written all over. I spoke to her a few weeks ago about the jeans and told her there was not to be any more jeans written on. I have never bothered to read what is on her jeans, stupid teenager crap I figure.

So last Friday she apparently wore a pair of these jeans with writing all over them to school. When I said goodbye to her I didn't notice. I generally check her top because she's usually try to wear something low cut or sheer, if she's wearing a skirt, I look at it, but she wasn't so...whatever. So around noon I get a call from the vice principal that there are "inappropriate things" written on her jeans. I told him we had already spoken about the writing on the jeans and asked what it said. So he told her she could read exactly what it said on her pants to me. He had her on speakerphone. So in a very shaky voice, because she knew she was in big trouble, she reads "I sucked Jessie's enormous dick". Lovely. Jess is a girl btw and apparently she is the one who wrote this.

So I told him we could not go get her because of where we work, he said she had to sit in the office for the rest of the day and if it happened again she would be sent home. I am fairly certain it won't happen again! She was bored out of her mind sitting in the office for 2 1/2 hours and she was bored out of her mind sitting home all weekend with no phone or computer. She had lunch detention Monday and was told that if it happens again she will lose the Hershey Park trip in the Spring.

So that's the story of Aly's jeans.

Bleh

I am not sure what is going on with me. All the sudden last night I started feeling really sad and all that nonsense. No reason at all. I am not sure if it is because of the cold weather, if I was tired or if it has reached the point in the year where my job starts getting to me. Of course, it could be all of those things.

I was thinking that I would stay at my job for a few more years, definitely next year while Brandon will still be in middle school, but then I was contemplating staying until he is out of high school because Rob and I are talking about moving out of this big house when both kids are out of high school. We have discussed moving into the city where we don't have to have two cars, can get a smaller place and not have to deal with yardwork and then I can either not work or just do something that I enjoy and don't necessarily require that income to eat. But after a few months I reach the point where I can't imagine coming into work for one more day, let alone six more years. I have also reached the point in the pay scale where I will be making a decent amount of money, especially since I really do only work half as many days as most people. I still think it's a harder job than most people have, but I do have off half the year with the holidays and summers.

So anyway, I am just doing chores and junk like that today. Things I have been blowing off for weeks. Which could also be what is wrong with me. There is so much to do around here that we really can't just blow off entire weekends and that is what we have been doing. We painted the kitchen and since then have done nothing. It would probably take one day to finish the kitchen completely, but we have just done nothing for the past three weekends.

This weekend we didn't even do date night. I think that was a bad idea. Things were going really well, Friday I was just really tired and didn't want to do anything but stay in and sleep. So we watched a movie together and then went to sleep. Then Saturday we slept late and went to my dad's for dinner. Rob had a bad allergic reaction to the new cats so he was tired when we came home. We were supposde to watch a movie but he fell asleep so I watched it by myself. After that was when I started feeling really down. So I think it was the combination of everything, and I was pretty tired too. I think I can deal with work this week since it is only 2 1/2 days, but the week after that could be another story. And once we come back from Christmas, I am really going to have problems dragging myself out of bed every day.

I guess I will go back to the original plan which was to research what else I can do with the education I have that will allow me to make at least what I am making now (which is not public libraries) and that I may actually like. Back to chores. Bleh.

Better Late than Never

or, as my pledge class motto, better late than pregnant. Either way...

Last Thursday Rob and I went to see Duran Duran on Broadway. I would have liked to go with my usual Duran friends but they had other stuff going on and it just wasn't going to work out. Beth pretty much summed it up in her email to everyone, just when you think you are going to see them because you *have* to, they go and put on a fantastic show. I am not really crazy about the new album but I like it better live. I have noticed recently that I like most music better live-Morrissey for example.

But anyway, the new music was first, then an electro-set or something like that. I was espcially excited by that because tey did some different songs. Last Chance on the Stairway and some stuff from Big Thing, which is my favorite album. Then of course were the obligatory top tens-minus Hungry Like the Wolf, which is always a plus. Rob and I had a good time and I am glad that I decided to go.

I am not however, glad that we drove. We sat in traffic for two hours. We went a half mile in that amount of time. It was a nightmare. I have also decided that being trapped gives me panic attacks. I have them once in a while and I had one after being stuck in that one spot for all that time and then having to go through the tunnel. The whole problem was that there was only one lane going into the tunnel. But once we got out of there I noticed that I was especially wound and on edge. Fun.

Nothing much else is going on. Things are going well here. I went to the NJ Assoc. of School Librarian conference yesterday and today. My assistant and I stayed overnight. Nothing exciting. I thought it was interesting that there was a hot tub there and she and I seemed to be the only people who took advantage of that. Bunch of fuddy-duddys! Whatever, we didn't have to deal with anyone else that way-so it was better anyhow. Neither of us really likes people.

Rob and I are trying to decide what to do for date night this week. One of the choices is dinner and a movie. We decided that even though the counselor said that movies don't count, we have been talking and spending a lot of time together so if we want to go to a movie, we will! We'll see. I am going to go hang with Rob for a while now since I wasn't home last night.

Date Night

Rob and I have been going out on date night on Fridays. We started a few weeks ago. It's good that we have kids who are now old enough that we can say "see ya" and just leave them home. So far we have gone to the Mutter Museum and to dinner one week, the next week we went to a concert, She Wants Revenge, on Thursday and then saw Rocky Horror on Friday-but according to the therapist, movies don't count. I had never seen it and it was playing at the IMax for Halloween. This past week we went on a ghost tour in Philly. It was ok but we went on one in Charleston before and that one was much better. I am in charge of planning this coming week. Thursday we are going to see Duran Duran on Broadway. I am also planning dinner on Friday because I am not sure the DD concert counts. Although it is something different than what we usually do. But since movies don't count because you can't talk and whatnot, I am not sure if concerts count either. Although we will have a long car ride where we can talk.

So that is really all that is going on here. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law are drving us crazy worrying about Alyssa's MySpace page. It would be nice if everyone would just let me parent my own kids. I don't bother them about their kids! Everyone can decide how to raise their own!

About the Weather

It really needs to decide what it wants to do. This constant change just gives me headaches. Today I stayed home from work because I woke up with one of thse sinus headaches where I was sure my left eye was going to just shoot right out of my skull. Not that I don't love staying home from work as we all know. I am really tired though. I got up at 9 because I think half my problem on Monday morning is sleeping too late on weekends. So I better sleep tonight!

I am really tired of the mood swings too. One minute I am fine and the next I want to cry. I don't get it. Sometimes I know what the problem is, others it's just there, for no reason at all. I wonder if other people feel like this too. I guess I should go deal with Brandon and his homework. Maybe that's why I want to jump off a cliff.

Cape May

So if you have a MAC and you want to put pictures in here, you have to save them to your desktop. Just an FYI.

The weekend of October 5 Rob and I went to Cape May for the weekend. This was to spend some time together after the 'incident' that happened over the summer that most of you who actually read this know about. It was a very nice weekend. The weather was amazing for October. When I was packing I took a bathing suit and said "I will take this because if I don't I will wish I had" fully expecting that I would not use it. I used it-I should have taken two.

We went down there on Friday night. Lisa stayed at home with my kids. Friday night we went and played skee-ball and then walked back to the b&b on the beach. It was a little chilly but we had hot chocolate so it was not too bad. Here is a picture of where we stayed. The room we stayed in had a cool shower with a whole bunch of shower heads. It faced the beach and I could hear the ocean at night.



Saturday we walked around the shopping area. It's a good time to go because everything is on clearance since they are closing up for the season. Around 4 we went back to the b&b and had afternoon refreshments, then we put on bathing suits and went and laid on the beach for almost two hours. It was 88 degrees in October! Crazy!

Sunday we went to the beach much earlier in the day. It was so beautiful out and I figured I definitely won't be going to the beach again until next summer at this point so we may as well hang out there all day. We walked for a while and saw dolphins. You can't so them so great but it's kind of hard to get a picture.







It's a really cool time of year to go because there are tons of migrating birds also. I have no idea what kind of birds these are but there went loads of them.














A dorky picture or Rob and I that we took ourselves.










There were also tons of people actually successfuly surfing. I have never seen that in New Jersey. I guess the water was a lot rougher than when we are usually at the beach. But it was New Jersey in October-not when you usually go to the beach.










This is just a cool picture I took. I had to make a whole bunch of attempts so it has to be on here.




We wound up hanging out at the beach basically all day on Sunday. Since it's not summer anymore, it never occured to me that we should have sunscreen. We were both a little burned. I was pretty tan this summer (for me anyway) so I wasn't too bad and it now I am ust tan. Rob's face peeled though.

Finally, it is also butterfly migration time. This I knew because it is a big deal at my school. The Kindergarten kids have a parade where they dress us and march around the building singing "gotta go to Mexico". I did not know that the butterflies make a stop in Cape May. There were loads of Monarchs everywhere. Rob was making fun of me for trying to take pictures of them. But I got some good ones and he admitted later that it was pretty cool.




Monday after we checked out we took another walk on the beach before we headed home. There were no boats in the water so there were even more dolphins than there were on Sunday, they were closer and playing a lot more, jumping up out of the water. Of course, I didn't haev my camera.

I think this post is long enough. I will try to be a little better about my updates!

Confusion

I am trying to learn how to put in pictures from iPhoto so I can update this from my weekend. For some reason it is not as easy as one would think it should be. All this "i" stuff is quite difficult if you ask me! So when I get it figured out, if I still feel like writing about it, I will!

Oops I did it again

Haha...I am not so good at keeping this updated. I had a ton of stuff I was thinking about that I needed to put in here but now I forget what it was. I had a really bad day. Don't want to talk about it though. I'll start with the most recent. Saturday I went to DC to go to the National Book Festival. I went to Becca's first and she and I and Sammi took the Metro in. We had a picnic lunch on the mall. The lunch was quite gross but the company was good. Becca took a picture of Sammi and I that is really cute...



Hmmm...this is showing up as code but when I preview the picture is there, so we'll see.

The book festival was not all that exciting but the weather was beautiful and as I said, the company was good. We went to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. The ride back on the Metro was pretty much a nightmare. It was packed. I thought there was no way more people could get on but at every stop, somehow more people squeezed in. It was crazy.

What else...off the top of my head I can't think of anything else, probably because I am completely engrossed in Prison Break right now. So, I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

Promises, Promises

No vacation photos...obviously. I have no idea how to do that with this new MAC and I am not in the mood to figure it out so I am just not going to do it. I just tried one thing and that wasn't it so, not happening. Lazy, I know.

Nothing much has been going on. Well, nothing I want to put out for the whole world to see anyway. Not that anyone looks except people who already know anyway! So I don't need to type it out anyway.

Summer flew by, as usual. I had all this stuff I wanted to accomplish and got nothing done, as usual. At least this year I feel like I have some reason for not getting things done, unlike last year when it was just 100% lazy slacker. I did work for most of July, just about every day I wasn't away somewhere. I also took my kids to more doctor and dentist appointments than I care to think about. And we have another one next week. Plus all the counseling sessions. Then there was the mess I made and had to clean up. I feel like right now I could get something done, so I am going to try to paint my room this last week of summer. We'll see, I have counseling tomorrow in the middle of the day and Aly has another dentist appointment Tuesday. Story of my life it seems!

Lisa has stayed her a couple of times but not during the past week. The last time she was here she was trying to convince me to run away with her. That's not exactly something I should be around right now. I told Kate that I want to help her but I don't know how-other than saying no to running away- she thinks that Lisa needs a partial care program and she gave me numbers and stuff, I am supposed to go help Lisa make those calls, well, I told her about it and said I would and have not talked to her since. I think she's mad because I won't go out with her. I told Stacy that Lisa doesn't seem to get that right now my marriage is my first priority and maybe if she "got that" she would still be married. She has never learned that sometimes you can't put yourself first. I am not sure I have learned it 100% but most of the time I can do what I need to do. I sure don't need her being a negative influence on me right now.

I am not looking forward to back to school. I know the drama is going to start immediately. Brandon has to finish his summer reading, the reading part isn't the problem, it's the writing he has to do along with it. He has about ten days to get it done and I just do NOT want to deal with it. Aly has hers to do too and I am not sure she is actually reading Harry Potter 7-which is what she picked off the list-and she has to complete some sort of project too. However, with her, I know that she will at least get the project done on her own and I won't have to sit there and we won't be yelling about it.

Like I said, not much going on. Maybe I'l try to figure out this picture thing...then again, maybe I won't.

I see spellcheck is not working again. So-whatever on the typos.

As Promised

Yeah, not a song title I know...but I don't feel like thinking of one. This could take a while, I am not sure whether to give the long version or the short version. I think I will go with the short version and tell those who are interested the long version when I see them. Besides, some of the long version I really shouldn't post on the Internet as it is not my story. The short version, Lisa story.

As you know, Lisa took off to Seattle with some guy. She came back a couple weeks ago, well I guess around July 20 or so. She is now divorced, Wally had that put through while she was gone, then he posted the papers on MySpace because he is a jackass, but she yelled at him and he took them down. That's how she found out they were divorced, on MySpace. He's so classy. So I talked to her and she came up here on Sunday, the 22nd. We were supposed to go out on Saturday but then she didn't call me back. I was mad but she called and apologized Sunday morning so I got over it. She wanted to come up because she needed to get out of her parents house for a while so I said whatever, it would give me a chance to talk to her and find out what had been going on.

So she told me all about her trip to Seattle, she went with this guy, he is bi-polar, things were great but then he had an episode and it all went crazy. She is totally in love with him. She's upset because his family won't help him unless he takes his meds, which he won't. I tried to explain to her that you can't help unmedicated bi-polar people, and his family has been dealing with this for a long time and knows that and what he needs to is be on the meds he is supposed to be on. I think she accepts that to some extent but she is worried about him because she thinks it is his fault he is now out there all alone. She thinks he was doing well and had the episode once they got there. I think he was having a manic episode which is what made him decide it was a great idea to take off to Seattle with some girl he just met. Anyway...I understand why she feels guilty about it and I feel bad for her about everything that happened with him.

As far as anyone knows, she was homeless. I have a hard time believing that but it sounds like she was basically staying at a 24 hour diner during the night and then sleeping outside somewhere during the day, Which is a little more believable than she was out on the streets all night. But she told me enough other stuff that she says she is only telling me, that I don't know why she wouldn't tell me the truth about that. The last few days she was there she was staying with some guy who said she could crash at his place and she cleaned and did that kind of junk to earn her keep. She told me he said he didn't want her to leave because the apartment has never been so clean.

She now has no health insurance and owes her doctor a whole bunch of money. The medication she is supposed to be on, you have to get the prescription written every month, The doctor wont write it for her because she owes her money. So she has no anxiety medication that she is supposde to take and is taking only 1/3 of the dosage of the anti-depressant she is supposed to be taking. This is a woman who tried to kill herself three months ago. While she was staying here she did get an appointment at the guidance center because you can go there and get medication and therapy without insurance. I think it's a sliding scale, and since she has no income, she should be fine.

So she was here on Sunday night and we talked for a long time and then she cried for a long time. No one understands why I am not mad at her but I am not. She is afraid of being alone and she has abandonment issues, I think she wants someone to love her unconditionally and right now she does not have that. So I am just trying to listen and not judge and help her how I can without being an enabler. She is a mess and she feels really bad about the girls and she doesn't need anyone to tell her she's a horrible person. She already feels that way and other people saying it don't help. She is afraid to be around the girls because she feels like she is so messed up she is going to have a negative impact on them and she doesn't want that. I also understand that. No one else gets that at all, but I know that a few months ago I probably shouldn't have been around my kids. Yes, she needs to get help so that she can be healthy and be a mom, but she doesn't know how to do that right now. She was in a mental hospital for a week, actually three different times, she has been in and out of therapy for 19 years and she doesn't think anything has changed or gotten better. I told her that until she gets her medication right I don't think she can do anything about it.

So Sunday night she cried and just wanted me to hug her. Which I did. Then she asked on Monday if she could stay. So I told her she could but she had to go get her license. She stayed Monday and Tuesday night, we got her license taken care of. That was her first issue, that she can't drive because her license expired while she was in Seattle so she can't get a job because she has no ay to get there. Now, whether I agree with that or not, because she has no car either, the point was, if that was the excuse, it is now gone. I took her back to her mom's on Wednesday. I know she does not want to stay there, but she can't stay here because Rob is not all that happy about the whole situation.

However, since Rob and I have been getting along extremely well for the past month or so, he does not want to argue about Lisa. So he said she could stay, but I have to respect that he lives here too.

I talked to Lisa a few more times, I am trying to check on her and let her know that I love her and I am here for her. Sometimes I call her and she cries and sounds like she is a mess the whole time we talk. When I called her the other day when I was in South Carolina, she sounded pretty good and she thinks she has a job so that is a step in the right direction.

She needs to stay away from Wally, which for some reason is hard when she is here. I don't know why because he is a major asshole. I think if the boy came back from Seattle she could stop feeling guilty about that, but there is no way anyone can really make that happen unless he gets the help he needs out there. She called me yesterday and wanted me to go out with her last night but I really didn't feel like it. We had just gotten back from vacation late Friday and I was not up for it. It turned out to be a good thing I didn't go but that is a whole other story I am not getting into right now. I called today to check on her but there was no answer.

So, we'll see what happens next. And that, believe it or not, is the short version. As I said, I can fill in a few more details when I see you guys.

Sometimes spellcheck decides not to work...this is one of those times. And I don't feel like proofreading, so whatever.

Wish

I am in a mood all of the sudden. I have no idea why. Maybe from being overly tired, but normally just tired on its own I can stand. It's not the time for my pms so I know it isn't that. I have no good reason to be in a mood so I should just stop it.

I was feeling kind of miserable on my way home this afternoon. I wanted to take a nap but then I had to make sure Brandon got ready for karate and I called Karen to see about car pooling so by the time I was done with all of that I really didn't have time. I called my grandmother, which is always fun. I talked to Lisa for a little bit. She got home yesterday. I think I need to talk to Lisa. I have stuff I need to tell someone and I think I can tell her. Maybe. I hope.

Anyway, I made a couple of phone calls and then got annoyed and may have just sent an email I shouldn't have sent. But I'll deal with that later. I think my problem is that right now I feel like talking to someone and everyone is busy and I hate that. I can't even talk to Rob because he went to get Brandon from karate. So I am not in the mood to be alone (which is rare) and I am totally alone.

And no idea on the song choice. That's what popped into my head. It was the last song I was listening to in the car earlier. I am thinking I should send an apology email as a follow up to the one I just sent. Dammit.

Right Where it Belongs

Wow! I haven't posted for a month?! But it's definitely a month that has flown by, not sure where it went. As usual for summertime, I have not been sleeping worth crap. I am tired all day, sleep for a few hours and then wake up around 3 am and am done. It totally sucks. Whatever, I am starting to get used to it.

So Beth and I went to the reunion on June 30. I meant to write about that. It was fine. We decided we are done with them though. I definitely left there thinking "damn, I look good". Most people just did not age very well. I got a good laugh out of a couple of people who were just such bitches in high school and now they are fat and look as old as my mother. That's fun. Laughed at some people's husband too. Very mature, I know. But yeah, done with reunions, when it can make me that catty...

I came back from Florida a couple of days ago. Went on Friday, Stacy, Cynth and I went to Pleasure Island and "danced our asses off"-that's what Stacy said we were going to do, and we did. It was fun. I got sick from one too many drinks but it wasn't horrible. Just one of those things where my stomach said "yeah, don't think so" and then it was done. Saturday we were just lazy and wound up going to bed at 11. Too old for two nights of partying.

On Sunday I went to Stacy's and hung out there for a couple of days. It was relaxing even though Zander is so bad he makes Brandon look good. But he's not my problem so it was a little entertaining. Stacy thinks it's "normal five year old behavior" and I know the two of us are equally stubborn and would wind up in an argument so I didn't say anything, but it is SO not normal. He's easily as defiant as Brandon was at that age and it will not get better. I made the comment to her that I thought he was a little oppositional and the "normal" response was what I got so I let it go. Maybe she is right, it remains to be seen. I was teasing her and told her it was karma for Vic commenting on how wild Brandon was when we were down there when he was 3. Zander was wilder at 3 too. Brandon never tried to spin on the ceiling fan.

There is other stuff going on too that I am not willing to post in public. It's completely crazy and not something I could ever have predicted. But right now it is awesome and I am really happy about it. I hope it continues, we'll see.

Alyssa spent two weeks with Roseann and as soon as she came home I wanted to choke her. She convinced Roe that it would be ok to buy a string bikini. Yeah, not so much...we took it away from her. She's completely nuts. She was home for two weeks and Thursday Maribeth came and got her because all Marissa wanted for her birthday was to have Aly stay there for a week. Cool with me. Anytime I can have just one kid, it's awesome. I am sure Stephen is loving having five. Haha, I can laugh at him next week when we go see Morrissey.

Since Aly wasn't home Brandon went to work with me and I took him to see Harry Potter. Brandon and I get along great when it is just the two of us. Karen and Robert were with us, which was good because he and Robert played games and were on the computer while I was working, but we went shopping for Emma's present and he barely complained, which is a lot for him. I am sure Aly will be mad that we went to the movies when she wasn't home but I don't see why he should have to wait a week for her to come home to see Harry Potter. We have always gone on opening weekend and I don't think it should be any different just because she decided to stay with Riss for a week.

I am so not tired right now. I was hoping this would help but it's not. I don't really know why it would because it hasn't lately. Well, writing...I've been doing emails. Came back on here because I realized I am doing the summertime spamming thing again. I guess that is about all. Summer is flying by. I can't believe July is half over! I am not looking forward to September. Well, maybe one thing, but overall not.

Oh yeah! And we saw Duran again on Father's Day. It was a fan club members only show. Beth and Sheri joined to get the tickets. Beth, Sheri, Lisa, Heather and I went, it was in NYC. We had fun, just because we always do, but it was not the best show I have seen them do. Overall the setlist was completely uninspired. I have no idea why they did Hungry Like the Wolf at a fan club members only show. Hello! No one wants to hear that! The set lists on the reunion shows were way better. And of all things, they didn't do Careless Memories, which, how the hell do you not do that!? I have never seen them do a show and not do that. It rules.

On my birthday we (as in same as who went to the concert) went to brunch. That was nice. Beth gave me a CD box set from my Amazon wish list, Heather gave me remastered Songs of Faith and Devotion-which I totally have to watch the DVD that is with it, Lisa gave me a pair of earrings and Sheri gave me two books from my wish list and a necklace. Plus they paid for my brunch. Other than that my birthday was completely uneventful. Mom and Mark gave me cash which I used for my trip last week.

Mom and Mark are moving again. I don't think I have mentioned that. They already bought the new house but their house has not sold yet. I am sure it will but now is not the time to be selling. Some country singer was going to buy it but she can't make a decision or something and has still not signed the papers. She's on my mother's last nerve. She keeps calling and saying she wants to buy it. Last I heard she "needed to talk to my mom to see how she felt about it". WTF?

And finally, when I was at Stacy's we had a chat about Lisa. I realized that I really miss her. She and Stacy and I were more like sisters than cousins. But Lisa and I spent a lot of time together growing up and we were really close, closer than Stacy and I, mostly because she was here and Stacy was in Florida, but I miss Lisa. She is really the only person I know who you can tell absolutely anything at all to and she will listen and never judge. She won't even give an opinion unless you ask her to. She'll ask you questions about it, but I never feel like she is judging. Maybe she should have been a therapist. Yeah, right! I have not talked to her since March. I sent her an email from Stacy's telling her that I missed her and that I know she thinks "no one understands" but she has not even talked to me and given me a chance to understand. Then Thursday my mom told me she is coming home. Aunt Linda was sending her a ticket yesterday and it is a three day bus trip. So she should be home by the end of next week. Which would be good. I know Rob is going to be mad if I want to go spend some time with her, but he'll get glad again. I want to know what she is thinking with all this craziness (I said she was not judgmental-I didn't say I wasn't) and find out what she has been doing for the past six months! The last time I actually saw her was in February when our grandmother was in the hospital.

Now it's 5 and I am still not tired. But I guess I should try again anyway.

Big Balls

That's a song...sticking with the songs...it's the most appropriate one I can think of at the moment.

Yes Heather, you can just say "those poor girls". Lisa's aunt saw her oldest daughter and she was upset and when she asked her why she said "because my mommy went to Washington and is never coming back." Isn't that nice.

So the reason for my song choice is that Lisa called my mother and asked her if she would send her money! She is in Seattle and living on the streets. Gee, you don't say. Did you plan this out at all? What did you think would happen when you went across the country without a dime to your name, to go somewhere that you have no family or close friends, don't have a job lined up. So my mom said she was thinking about it but then she talked to Lisa's mom and she told her that Lisa called home last week and asked for money to come home. So she sent it to her and then she changed her mind and decided to stay out there. So my aunt told my mom not to send her any money. I just know she'll be calling me next.

She's ridiculous.

Crazy

Here is the Lisa update for all those interested...I got an email from Lisa on Monday that said she "ran into" Kendra who told her that I was having a hard time with Brandon. She (Lisa) is not allowed to see her kids anymore so she doesn't go home since it is too upsetting there. And she was thinking of going to see her friends in Austin, Texas.

So I responded to this email asking first of all, where one "runs into" Kendra. I then went on to say that I haven't talked to Kendra except for a very few minutes at her daughter's birthday party but I really didn't say much because I was too distracted by her ridiculous fake boobs to think of anything to say. I didn't know what she might have to say about me, but I know how things go through our family so whatever. I asked what was going on that Wally can prevent her from seeing the girls but I suspect she won't answer that.

Then I went to my mom's and I told her about this email and asked since when Lisa wasn't allowed to see her kids. My mom said that was new, she hadn't heard anything about that. The last she knew Lisa was coming to her mom's every weekend and seeing the girls for a few hours on Saturdays. Tuesday I got an email from my mom that was for Lisa that she asked me to forward to Lisa. I told her I agree with it completely, basically it said Lisa needs to grow up and think about her children and their future, but I gave her Lisa's email address and said she could send it so I wasn't in the middle of it.

On Wednesday I called my mom and asked her if she got the email and if she had sent hers on to Lisa. She said yes to both.

Then last night, Thursday, she called to tell me the update. She goes to see my grandmother on Thursdays and then has lunch with my aunt, Lisa's mom, so she found out what was up. Lisa is in Montana, on her way to Seattle because when she was in Seattle was the only time she was ever happy in her whole life. She called her mom to ask her to pay her cell phone bill because she can't pay it. Yet she can afford to take a bus to Seattle and where is she staying when she gets there? She was there around 1994, for a total of about three months. Her friend who went there with her moved to Georgia last year. Does she really have anyone out there now who is such a good friend she can stay with them? Whatever! That is really just my side commentary about that.

Anyway, she "ran into" Kendra at jail. Lisa was visiting her "boyfriend who's not her boyfriend" who is there because (so we're told) he violated his custody order. And Kendra was there visiting her boyfriend, who she told the family she is "done with", who she told Lisa is in jail for drug charges. Gotta love my cousins and their winner choices in men.

And that is all I know. My aunt is trying to talk to Wally about seeing the girls. She sent him an email and he responded that he wants to talk to Lisa but he also said that the girls have been asking to see her. You can tell his primary concern is the girls since they want to see their grandmother and he is still not letting them because Lisa won't talk to him. I think that's why she can't see the girls. She told him she won't talk to him unless it's about the girls and he calls her and text messages her all the time and she ignores it and won't respond unless it's about the girls. And she is completely right to be doing that. He totally wants to play head games with her. He has been doing this for three years, reeling her back in and then "nope, don't want to stay married", and he has a girlfriend so why should she talk to him about anything else? They are not divorced but they have already settled everything with property, debts, their stuff...there is no reason for him to bug her. If she had stopped talking to him about anything but the girls three years ago, things might not have gotten this bad. He is a serious head case.

I am waiting to see if I get a response to my email I sent Lisa or if my mom gets one. I think she'll ignore my mom's and I told her that. But she may mention it to me. It could be a while before I hear anything. She's in Seattle by now I am sure. I am still wondering why if she was so happy out there, like she always claims, she came back in the first place. But she never answers that question when I ask it.

Pomp and Circumstance

Here is a picture from Alyssa's 8th grade graduation on Sunday.

Who Needs Love Like That

Since Beth likes my angry tirades I will write this right now while I am still angry so I can fully tirade about it. I just got home from having dinner with a bunch of women who were in my sorority. There were seven of us total. Several years ago, two of these women were my absolute best friends, Jill and Sheri. Without getting into all of it right now, Sheri and I haven't been all that close in quite a while-because she pissed me off. And I haven't talked to Jill as much recently as I did a few years ago but we were still pretty good friends. But tonight she pissed me off completely.

We were talking about college stuff, remember this person, remember that person, etc. So this one girl Jenni came up and everyone was saying how she "wasn't right". Then Jill said that she knew why she "wasn't right" and she lowered her voice to finish the conversation, so I leaned in and said I could not hear what she was saying. She ignored me, I thought she just didn't hear me since it was pretty noisy in the restaurant so I said "What are you saying?" and she looks at me and says "I am talking to Cathy, will you please knock it off." Um, excuse me, I thought we were ALL having this conversation. I didn't know you were just having dinner with Cathy. So that was number one.

A while later I brought up to her "Oh, you are keeping my dog while I'm on vacation, right?" I cleared the dates with her before I booked the vacation. At least two months ago. She said they were ok. So the response I get to that is "When is it?" and when I tell her she says "That may be a problem." Because she is going to see her sister in Georgia. I said "Well, ok, can she stay with Kurt?" Kurt is her husband, they've been married for 13 years, I have known them both since college, my dog has stayed with them several times. "No, I am not going to do that to him." So I said "I can ask him myself." Then I get this whole big long story of why it would be too much for him. Um, ok. They have three dogs and last I knew, 12 cats. Want to tell me why one more dog is going to break him!? He is a teacher also so has off during the summer. He bar tends at a catering place but doesn't have a full-time, everyday job in the summer. So now I am really peeved.

My dog is 13 years old. My dog has never stayed in a kennel. The only people who she has ever stayed with are my parents, my in-laws, Jill and Sheri. My mother will probably be in the middle of moving while we are on vacation. Rob's father does not like pets in the house-his own dogs did not come in the house. Sheri is in Canada at that time of the year. So I asked Jill. I thought this was arranged. Either of my sisters-in-law who might do it, are going on the vacation. My third sister-in-law will be on her own vacation. My father just got two kittens. So basically, my poor dog is screwed and is more than likely going to wind up staying in a kennel.

And then...strike three. There was a large party at the table next to us. When we were just about ready to leave they came and sang happy birthday to a member of the party, long story short, the guy is 95. So they are doing all these toasts and whatever. Sheri's father just died a few months ago, she is crying, it's very upsetting to her. So we resume our conversation, or I guess I should say that some of us did, Lynn and I were trying to talk to Sheri and calm her down. The 95 year old then stands up to talk and Jill is trying to hear what he has to say. I am talking to my friends who I am there to have dinner with and the next thing I know, Jill is shushing me again. First of all, it's very nice that this man is 95, whatever, I don't know him, I quite frankly do not care what he has to say. Secondly, and really, more importantly, it is what he has to say to his family this is not my business, nor is is her business so why the fuck am I being shushed like a kindergartner? Jill teaches kindergarten. Maybe she can't separate her home life from school? I always thought trying to hear the conversations at someone else's table was called eavesdropping and was bad manners.

So, I am pissed off at Jill. Really pissed off. I came home and told Rob. He is going to have to ask his parents now but the last time they promised to keep her, two days before his mom said "Oh no, we can't do it" and that was only for a weekend and that was how she wound up at Jill's the first time Jill ever kept her. So I guess we will have to look into the doggie day care. Did I mention that I am pissed?

Hence my song choice. With friends like these... All my real friends have cats and live in the city (or no where near here) so I can't ask them. And you all know who you are. ;->

More Than a Party

I was supposed to put up pictures the other day and I didn't. Oh well. Here are some other pictures instead. These are of Alyssa's dinner dance. Her friends are both named Ashley.

Manic Monday

Really its Tuesday but it's a Tuesday that seems like Monday since there was a long weekend. And for some reason I am in a really good mood, for no reason at all; and I started this dumb song title thing that I have decided I am sticking with, dumb as it may be, and that's what came to mind.

I had something I wanted to blog about the other day and now I totally forget what it was. Must not have been very interesting or important. I do remember that I wanted to mention that I was at a barbecue on Sunday and there was someone there I went to high school with, Dena F (I don't want to put her whole name since she has no option to say take it out) and I decided that I was not going to go out of my way and say hello to her. I meant to tell this to Beth and may forget again later so, here it is next time you're here. So then I was thinking, ok, if I am not going to go say hi to her, and I had no problems with her in school, we weren't friends but we were on speaking terms when we had classes together, then why in the hell am I going to the reunion? Totally non-threatening environment and I was like "uh, yeah, I have nothing to say to her." So, the reunion should be interesting since I am sure that will not be nearly as friendly of an environment. Now I just have to ask my cousin why Dena was there in the first place!

I took some pictures with my new camera, was I bitching on here that I asked for a camera for Mother's Day and didn't get it? Because now I have it. The one he ordered was back ordered and so he eventually ordered something else and now I have that. I figured out how to do video too but I am not sure that can work on here. I'll do a separate post with the pictures. It's easier than trying to make the text work. I haven't quite mastered that yet.

I guess I am in a good mood because the end is in sight. Once June is here school is almost done. This week we only have four days. Next week two days I have workshops, the following week the kids have three half days so I have no full weeks with kids left, which is good. Although the days I am missing are my "reading buddy" days and I am only missing kindergarten and fifth grade. Thursday 5th is on a field trip so I won't have to see them. And today I had my friend with the "issues" that s/he has and s/he was perfectly well behaved today. Only have to see her one more time since next time she comes I won't be there.

I should make dinner. I don't really feel like it, but I guess I should. I have laundry to work on too. My mom called the other day and asked what I was doing. I said laundry. She said "every time I call you are doing laundry" (she calls like three times a week). So, yeah, laundry. I hate laundry...and ironing...forget that.

Lonely in Your Nightmare

I have a reason for choosing this song title, so it's only semi-random at this point. Although when it popped into my head in the first place it was completely random. Yesterday I had to go on Alyssa's field trip. On the wonderful bus ride to NYC I was listening to my MP3 player and Lonely in Your Nightmare came on it. Beth told me this was one of the choices of songs fans could vote for for the 'members of the fan club only' concert they are playing next month.

So as I was listening to all the cold out on your stone range, barren in your garden, heat beneath you winters, I thought, "huh, no way Simon is going to remember those lyrics." I don't even remember those lyrics and he was having issues with Friends of Mine on the last tour. I've seen him completely forget New Religion...and Beth it is NOT hard...which I also know all the words to. But whatever, I guess we'll see. It was just a random thing that popped into my head.

The field trip...I hate field trips. I never went on them with my kids when they were in public school and I was glad to get out of the classroom because it meant I didn't have to go on them with my class. But since my kids are now in Catholic school the rule is that they have to have a chaperone, if it is not you, you have to arrange it and send in a letter letting the school know who is responsible for your child. I assume this is because most of their trips include huge blocks of unscheduled time in major cities. Rob went on Brandon's trip last Friday to Inner Harbor in Baltimore-I already did that trip two years ago when Alyssa was in 6th grade.

The 8th grade trip is to NYC to see a show. This trip cost almost $200. We had to be at the school at 6:45 to leave at 7, there is isue number 1. They school uses the same bus company and there are always problems. There were two busses, one was nice, one was old and junky. The boys got to go on the nice bus, my opinion on why that was-one of the boys in 8th grade's mother is the teacher chaperone/class advisor. Of course, she's not going to put herself on the crappy bus, so the boys got the nice bus. Way to teach your son about being gracious to women. ;-> My seat didn't latch so if anyone bumped the back I got slammed back into a completely upright position and every time we hit a bump it bounced back and forth. Did I mention I get motion sickness? By the time we got there I was completely on the verge of puking.

We're on the NJ Turnpike, behind the other bus, people flying past us, we get pulled over! "Random inspections" that was a nice 15 minute delay. One of the mom's was freaking out because we had a time schedule for our tour of Rockefeller Center and we paid for it, etc. Yeah, it was 9 and we were about an hour away and our time was 10:45...we'll be fine woman, sit down. The girls didn't even notice what was going on at first that's how clueless they are. They were busy singing their graduation song, completely off key. I don't know who picked that song, but they sounded terrible and I can only imagine how much worse it's going to be with the boys singing. Ugh! I have that to look forward to next.

Our bus driver was perhaps the worst driver ever. Apparently the gas pedal is a switch, it is either on or off. Which made my seat bounce back and forth even more. Same with the brakes, off or on, suddenly. And the air conditioner was also either on or off, no happy medium. We were all either freezing - as in even the father's on the bus were pulling out their jackets, or it was stifling. I may have to change Brandon to a new school just so I don't have to go to DC next year!

We get to Rockefeller Center in plenty of time for our scheduled time-there is a bus only lane through the tunnel so even though it was completely backed up it didn't matter, we went in that lane. As far as I knew, we were supposed to have a tour, but all that happened was they sent us up in the elevator to the observation deck. I am not sure how much we paid for this "tour" I think $9, but it surely wasn't worth it. The itinerary had us there until almost noon but we were all ready to leave at about 11. We had from then until 1:30 to do whatever we wanted and get to the theater.

We went to some stores with Alyssa's friends, both named Ashley and their mothers. That was fine. I really didn't care, I was ok with just letting the girls do what they wanted since it was their trip. I think the whole idea is dumb because the kids don't spend time with each other. They only see each other if that's what the parents want to do. I think Great Adventure or something like that would be a better option. But no one asked me. Then again, I don't go to the 8th grade parent meetings either. All these trips are "traditions" anyway so I doubt it would make a difference if I did go. We had lunch and then went to the show.

The show was The Lion King. It was nice as far as shows go. I think I am "over that" right now. I used to be into going to these things but by the time it was over I had a headache and my butt hurt from sitting for three hours. Again on this being a dumb field trip, the tickets weren't even all together. Ashley W and her mom got there about five minutes before we did because I think she was trying to lose us and she hustled across the street in Times Square when the light was turning and I made Alyssa and Ashley F wait. Instead of waiting on the other side, which I would have done and I know the other mom would have, she just kept going. She was acting weird so whatever. She could have said she'd prefer to just go off on her own. I don't care, like I said, it was Alyssa's day and I wanted her to have fun.

The tickets we got were together, the four of us, but that was it. No one from the school was with us. After the show we saw Ashley W in the lobby and her mom was all "come on" and at that point I didn't want to deal with her either. I had already told Alyssa that I didn't think we were going to spend our two hours after the play with them because her mom was being weird. Plus Ashley F had said "Ooo Sephora" when we first got there but since Ashely W's mom didn't want to go there, we didn't. So I told Ashley I knew where the one in Times Square was and if it was ok with her mom we'd go there. When we came out of the play it was pouring, the girls were all three talking but then W's mom was all "come on" to her so I said to the girls "let's take a minute and figure out what we're doing so we can get there quick since it's raining.

We went to a few stores that the girls wanted to go to, they wanted McDonald's so that's where we went (W's mom nixed that idea for lunch-no idea why, seemed reasonable to me) then we went to Virgin MegaStore because it was still pouring and it was really all that was left where we could actually kill a good amount of time. We were right where they told us to be for the bus. Our brilliant driver went a whole block down and we had to run down the street to get on the bus and of course, at the time he showed up it was really pouring. We had all pretty much dried out while we were waiting for him and then got wet again. Of course, while we were waiting and could have walked down to where he actually stopped, it wasn't raining that much. Jerk.

It was 10 by the time we got back to the school. So I didn't get home until 10:30. Aly stayed at Ashely W's house. I asked her if she was still sure she wanted to do that after whatever was going on. At one point she and F were whispering about W - I didn't understand the explanation as to what was going on. I think it was "8th grade nonsense...she's controlling" something like that.

But I have to go eat something because I am going to Brandon's counseling appointment this evening. Fun fun. I think I need to get myself back on the schedule. If I feel like it I'll tell you all about that later. Or not.

Bad Reputation

Keeping with the theme. That one's Joan Jett in case you didn't know. You have to read this post to know why I chose that for today.

My Uncle Jim forwards loads of dumb jokes and chain emails. I, thankfully, am not on his list. Stacy is and she forwards things to me that he sends that are actually funny or that she thinks I would want to read. I hear he sends about 10-15 things a day. Stacy forwards one or two maybe two days a week so her filter is pretty good. Today she sent me one about birthdays. It was SO right on that I had to share with everyone. Here is what is says for July:

----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to
Be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed.
Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily
Consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's
Feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable.
Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.
Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.
Spazzy at times.
Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive
And forms impressions carefully. Caring and
Loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of
Sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people
Through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties
In studying. Loves to be with friends Always broods
About the past and the old friends. Waits for
Friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive
Unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt
But takes long to recover.

It's crazy how all of that is true about me. How can that be?? So, right now apparently my reputation is that I spaz when I have pms. Last week when Rob took Brandon to the counselor he said something about my being short-tempered or something and the counselor said "is she pms-ing?" See, everyone knows about it. And I did actually tell her one week that I can usually ignore most of Brandon's nonsense except for when I have pms. Now, in the past my bad reputation was for other, more interesting reasons. ;-> I am ok with that being gone. But then, since it is a chain email. It said this at the end...

Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days

Basically, "don't give a damn about my bad reputation".

Blue Monday

It's not really...I am just sticking with the song titles. This morning I took Brandon to Appel Farms Arts and Music Center where he is going to stay for three days for an "environmental embassadors" program. A teacher who he always claims doesn't like him chose him to participate. He told Rob this morning that he was terrified. He didn't mention it to me. He jumped right out of bed and was ready to go. Even carried his own things out to the car-and there were a lot of things. Actually, Aly and I helped, but that was just to make less trips, when I said "let's go" he started grabbing stuff to take out. Big stuff too! Shocking. I expected him to grab his pillow and leave the rest for me. I am worried that I didn't give him enough clothes but at the same time I know if I gave him too much stuff he would just be overwhelmed with all of it.

There are four kids there from 6B (that's his class) one of them was supposed to be his "archnemesis" Lorenzo, but Tyler is there instead. We don't know why but I am really glad because I was worried the whole thing was going to be ruined for him because he hates this kid. There are also going to be four kids from 6A but none of them were there yet, which is a little odd, all the 6B boys where there, no 6A, but the boys didn't know who it was going to be. I guess 6A and 6B don't speak to each other!

So here is how my weekend went. Friday night I went to my mom's for a while to see my Aunt Sue. I felt a little better when I got home and then I told Alyssa I needed the password for the email account she used to set up her MySpace. She said that it wasn't a real email account and there was no password. Now given her history, I have no reason to believe this claim; long story short, a shouting match ensued. She screamed "I just don't like you". Rob came and started shouting at us both to knock it off. I said I hate it here and left. I just drove around for a half hour. Then I came home and went to bed.

Saturday I was just pissy when I woke up. I had told Aly I didn't want to see her until she had an answer for me about the password. Her response was "I guess I'll never see you again then because I don't know what it is." It turns out that account really is nonexistent so I guess what I learned is that on the rare instance when Aly is telling the truth, she will actually fight with me rather than just quietly stick to her story. I was going to go somewhere away from everyone because I was in the I hate everyone mood but I decided to stay and help with the yardwork-which I just love.

So Rob and I worked in the yard and he made Aly come out and help. She had nothing else to do because she was still grounded. Sheila's grandfather stopped and asked me if she could come with them for pizza and I told him maybe next week if she can manage to follow the rules for one week! He seemed upset that he hasn't seen her for so long. Although, in actuality, she has not been grounded the entire month, we had something every Saturday in April. Brandon went to Nick's at 4. Aly was working with me in the front yard and I basically didn't even look at her all day and I said nothing at all to her. That went on for about three hours.

I got a shower and got ready to go out. I wanted to go get a new blanket for our bed and check out Old Navy. By then I was in a better mood but then Rob started yelling about something idiotic and pissed me right back off. Then he said he wanted to come with me. So I had to tell him he was being a jerk before and I wasn't sure I wanted him to come. Plus, this means Aly has to come because right now she is also not allowed to be home alone because we are trying to make a point that we are going to treat her like a baby if we can't trust her. So Rob said he was sorry and told Aly she had to come.

As we were getting ready to go she came to me, all on her own Rob says, and said she was sorry for what she said. She started crying and said she loved me and hugged me and was all emotional. So then I decided I would talk to her again. Very mature I know, not speaking to the 13 year old. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Old Navy. Very exciting. Alyssa got shoes, a bathing suit and a pair of sunglasses. Plus she got $10 for helping in the yard. Everything was fine until Brandon came home and started yelling about having to get a shower.

Sunday we all went to Kohl's because the kids have no summer clothes. That was fine but we spent $565 and that was after getting 15% off. But I did get $110 of Kohls cash that I can spend between the 9th and the 16th. I have a half day on Wednesday too because I have to pick Brandon up from this program. I'll run over to the new Kohls when I get done work because I'll have a couple hours to kill before I have to get Alyssa.

I have resumed copying stuff from Suzy's hard drive back onto the server. I had stopped doing that because I was in a mood. I am not sure if my mood has ended because I spent most of the day outside on Saturday, because my pms has subsided or because of those herbal supplements I have been taking. I hear mdma was originally prescribed for depression. I told Rob I want that. ;->

Why does the spellchecker in this place only work some of the time???

Still Breathing

It's intentional, song titles for titles. Seemed as good a one as any other. I guess writing on here is somewhat therapeutic, I felt a little better last night after I wrote. I have managed to stop wondering how long it takes to bleed to death and such so that's good. However, I still feel like just getting in bed and staying there, and for some reason I am absolutely freezing, and currently feel like puking. All good news.

My grandmother said I need a vacation. Gee, ya think? And where am I going to get time to do that? July, that's when. Til then I have to deal with the same crap on a daily basis. My lovely children who cannot be trusted out of my sight so I am basically saddled with 11 and 13 year old toddlers; my job which I hate; and my assistant who is driving me out of my mind. I seriously don't know how much more I can take of her either. If you think I complain a lot, let me take you to her. You will see that I am Little Miss Freaking Sunshine compared to her. She complains about her parking place every single morning! EVERY morning! Let it go already! At my other school NO parking places were close, everything was the boondocks. So whatever. I have to walk 50 steps to get into the building. I DON'T CARE!! And that is just the start of her complaining. It goes on from there ad infinitum.

I get to complain all I want here. Don't like it, quit reading. I do not complain all day long, every single day, to every person who crosses my path. If you don't want to do the triathlon this weekend at your kid's school don't volunteer to do it!! I don't do shit at my kids' school. Why? Because I hate it and it would make me miserable! So quit doing it! They'll be fine. Correction, I do Bingo, because we have no choice. Actually, Rob does it. And guess what, he says "ugh, I hate bingo" and that is the end of it. I'll bet no one he works with knows about it.

And seriously, your kid is refusing to do his homework, and has all D's right now, why the fuck are you spending your weekend taking him paintballing, which costs $50 each time? His ass would be in his room if he were my kid. Aly has been grounded for going on a month now because of a MySpace page. Her progress report was all "passing". If it was all D's and F's, she'd be grounded. If she told me the night before her project was due, that she had a project due, her ass would stay up all night alone doing it. I would sure as hell not be working on it for her while I was at work. Punish his ass and maybe he'll start doing his schoolwork. He's in high school for God's sake! This is what I want to say to her and I don't.

My aunt is here from Florida and my mom called to tell me they are there if I want to come over. I don't want to, but I really don't have a choice. It's go and pretend to be all happy and have something to say-which I don't right now because I want to go to bed. Or not go and hear about it later. Either way...no win situation.

There is something else...but I forget what.

My stomach hurts.

March of the Pigs

I am having a really bad few days. I suspect, once again, that PMS is partly to blame for it but there are other contributing factors which make my life generally suck. But for some reason I have this song stuck in my head. I confess I am not completely sure what the song is about, I have a general idea. Maybe it's just that there is screaming and then calm in it. Maybe it does just make me feel better. And if any of my friends are actually reading this, it may help if you knew the lyrics. It's enough to know that there is yelling and then quiet and it says "now doesn't it make you feel better?" Downward Spiral, Closer comes after it, I listened to that too. I know what that's about. Self-loathing, in case you weren't sure...that's what I hear anyway ;->

Yeah, I am completely rambling this evening. The crazy does that to a person. I spent an hour on my bed curled up and crying, thinking about cutting my wrists. I feel like maybe I am being a little dramatic, but I can't make it stop. "It won't give up it wants me dead. God damn this noise inside my head"...and this is why I love the nin, there are words for all your misery. I have thought about dying plenty, I used to think about it all the time in high school. If I knew for sure that you could be a ghost and go to your own funeral, I no doubt would have killed myself back then. I always used to wonder who would actually care if I was dead. But this is totally different. Now it's about hating everything in my life and not wanting to deal with it and not knowing what to do about it. I get what Lisa did. I want to do the same thing. I want to just walk away and not worry about what I am walking away from and what impact it will have on anyone else. But if I do that everyone will judge me. I am not real good with that. I always do what I am supposed to do because people are judging me. (or at least I think they will, maybe I am just too self-important) When I was doing stuff I wasn't supposed to do, very few people ever knew about it, I am very secretive when I need to be. But anyway, if I was dead, they may be judging me, but I wouldn't be here to know about it.

And now while we are on it, let's move back to some dream interpretation. I am totally fucked in the head. Earlier this week I had some dream and there was a spider and a fly in it, but I cannot remember much about it. I think the spider was riding the fly, like it was a horse. The handy dream interpretation site tells me that to see flies symbolizes feelings of guilt. Huh...interesting. This is without me telling anyone but Stacy about something else that I have no intention of telling anyone but Stacy. Yeah, I have some guilt feelings. (I will say that I have not actually done anything, but I am still feeling guilty) Now, let's look at spiders, "you may want to stay away from an alluring or tempting situation". You don't say-you'll have to trust that it relates to the same thing. But it could also symbolize a "powerful force keeping you away from your self destructive behaviors". Which I suppose is a good thing. But I can tell you that the powerful force is not wanting anyone to hate me. Spiders "may symbolize feelings of being entangled or trapped". (who me?)

And by the way people...killing spiders...bad luck. No one believes me. But I don't kill the damn things and look at me. What do I know?

I did talk to my doctor about the PMS when I was there last week. He gave me several options. His preferred option was to try herbal remedies, which is what I am doing, but it could take up to three weeks to work - which does me no good when my PMS is happening now. So, if it's no better next month, I think I will move to option three. Option two was birth control pills. He is not fond of that option because there are studies that say prolonged use is linked to breast cancer and there are studies that say prolonged use is not linked to breast cancer. Prolonged use is ten years. What with I started taking them my senior year in high school and stopped around 1998, my ten years are up. So he said basically, you are making a choice of which study you choose to believe. I don't think I want to choose wrong. So option two is out. Plus I remembered the reason I stopped taking them in the first place-insurance doesn't pay for it. Option three is anti-depressants. Now last week when I was talking to him, I wasn't having a hard time pushing thoughts like "I wonder how bad it hurts to cut yourself" out of my head-he may have chosen that as option one for me had I said that. But since I did not, that was presented as option 3.

Dramatic aren't I? I know full well that now there are seven people who can read this. I think it is likely that only one of them does. But I am also into the "I have no friends"mode. Which doesn't help. I could ramble on, possibly all night. And I have even been going to bed early, so it's not overtired for a change. Although I am feeling physically exhausted for NO reason whatsoever. I may be having a "major depressive episode". What does it mean that I recognise this and am choosing not to do a damn thing about it. And why am I writing this here instead of in the journal that is next to my bed that no one actually reads. Well, except it would not surprise me in the least if my charming daughter read it when I wasn't home.

So I guess I'll just stop.

Sigh

You know the day is going to suck when you start crying before you ever get out of bed in the morning. My children are driving me insane. Everyone in the house is unhappy. I knew we were going to have to spend the day working on science fair projects, which are due on Thursday and as of right now (8:14 pm on Sunday) are not done. Brandon, of course, is all pissy about having to work on it over the weekend. He is supposed to be grounded anyway because of the whole MySpace thing so why it matters I don't know.

Alyssa is doing fine with hers. She is almost done. I took her to the library yesterday to enforce our "you cannot use the Internet at all" rule. That doesn't work all that well since libraries don't even get magazines anymore. So I said she could use the database, of course every computer they put us on did not want to work. We wound up doing it at home. I did a database search and printed out the articles for her to use. I am not sure that is punishment at all since I did her research but whatever. She was waiting most of the day for her last flower to thaw out but she has her research paper done, which is the hardest part of it.

Brandon has nothing done. Maybe his title page, but I think not even that. The formatting isn't right. So nothing. Around 4:30 I let him go outside because children with ADHD are supposed to get breaks. They can't work for extended periods of time. When he came in from the break he starts screaming about how daddy is a retard. What it came down to was that Rob was on the phone when he got home, he interrupted, Rob told him to wait. Then when he was off the phone he asked what was so important that Brandon had to interrupt him. The story Brandon told was that he said nevermind. The story Rob then came in and told me was that Brandon wanted to ask if the handlebars on his scooter were down too low. Obviously, not something urgent.

So Brandon is crying over this and screaming at me. So I started screaming back because I am sick and tired of his disrespect. Then he said "what happened to everyone being created equal" and I told him that doesn't apply to parent and child relationships, it doesn't even apply to children at all, and he just has to do what he is told because that's part of being a kid. He yells that he doesn't have to listen to me and he doesn't respect me. So I smacked him in the face. Then he said something else and I told him stop or I'd hit him again and he said "I don't care" so I smacked the other side for good measure. He started screaming more shit at me so I grabbed him and put him over my knee and spanked him. Then he jumped into a karate stance and threatened me. I told him I am not afraid of him and he continued to yell, "one day you will be You will be sorry." Rob told him if he hits me he would hit him back.

It's a lot of fun around here. Now everyone is acting fine again. The counselors tell us no spanking but everyone seems to behave much better afterward. I am starting to think Rob is right that they need a little bit of fear to make them behave. Talking sure hasn't helped.

My Daughter...Yet Again

Have there ever been any parents who successfully defended killing their kids with a "they made me crazy" defense? Because my daughter is on a fast track toward being killed...by me. The school sends home test folders and communication envelopes on Thursdays. So Brandon gave me his test folder when they came home from my mom's, around 6. He had already told me that he had one bad test grade (which was a 78 and frankly is nothing compared to the bad grades his sister brings home) "here's the folder".

I was doing stuff and forgot all about asking for hers until about 9. So in the communication envelope there is a letter from the principal with a copy of an IM session between HondaHead95...which is Brandon's screen name...which he is not allowed to have (this follows the discovery of the MySpace accounts two nights ago which I did not even get into on here). So anyway, the content of this IM is that "he" was calling this other kid "gay" and "bitch" now it would appear that it was actually Aly using his screen name but we are going to get into that tomorrow, armed with a belt because apparently that helps Aly remember better. I'll get to that.

So there is a note from the principal to please call her about it. Now it is 9:20 so I call her and apologize for the lateness of my call, she's a former nun and the principal of a Catholic school, I suspect it's a little late for her to get calls. She sounded awake so and said it was ok so whatever. So I am telling her about the MySpace and the issues we are having with the computer, the fact that we weren't even aware of this account, the fact of the accounts we have made Aly close and she just opens new ones when she is at someone else's house. I told her although Aly does have an account she is allowed to have she has been grounded from it for quite some time and this was apparently done during the grounding, while they were at my father's house, after my father had gone to bed and thought they had done likewise.

So during the course of the conversation and me saying that we are at a loss, we see all these counselors about this behavior and no one seems to be able to help and nothing seems to work, she says "I thought Alyssa was just this nice quiet girl until the incident a few weeks ago with Eric." And I said "What incident is that?" "Oh, she was supposed to talk to you about it and she told me that she had." I said, "Let's make one thing very clear, Alyssa will NEVER tell me anything that will get her in trouble. If she ever does anything, you have to call and tell me. She lies." The incident in question is that she and Eric were caught french kissing in the library at school!!! What balls does that take, in 8th grade, in a Catholic school. I am more than a little upset that I would never have known about this had something else not happened that made me have to speak to the principal. I think they really should have called me about that, not trusted her to tell me. But that's another issue.

So I went upstairs to ask Aly what else she supposed the principal wanted to talk to me about and she said "I don't know." I told her she needed to rethink it and she shrugged. So I said "I will go get my belt to help you remember." Then I went and got the widest belt I own and came back in with it. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. Shock, horror, sheer terror. But suddenly she knew just exactly what she told me about. Her dad asked her if she wanted to be known as a slut since she's kissing in school where she is obviously going to get caught and since she has "my horny lover" posted on her MySpace page. I told her when she gets pregnant she better hope that boy loves her and his mom is willing to let her live there because she's not living here. I am ready to kill her.

So, currently she was told she is not allowed to go to the dance next week. Which she paid for yesterday, tough crap for her, she shouldn't have lied. She has to improve her grades and if I catch her lying one more time, no 8th grade field trip (which I don't want to go on anyway) and if I catch her lying two more times, no dinner dance either (which she already has a dress for). She is grounded indefinitely, even though the counselors have said not to do that, because she clearly doesn't care what the counselors say anyway. And she'll be doing her research for her science fair project at the library.

I am ready to kill her.