March of the Pigs

I am having a really bad few days. I suspect, once again, that PMS is partly to blame for it but there are other contributing factors which make my life generally suck. But for some reason I have this song stuck in my head. I confess I am not completely sure what the song is about, I have a general idea. Maybe it's just that there is screaming and then calm in it. Maybe it does just make me feel better. And if any of my friends are actually reading this, it may help if you knew the lyrics. It's enough to know that there is yelling and then quiet and it says "now doesn't it make you feel better?" Downward Spiral, Closer comes after it, I listened to that too. I know what that's about. Self-loathing, in case you weren't sure...that's what I hear anyway ;->

Yeah, I am completely rambling this evening. The crazy does that to a person. I spent an hour on my bed curled up and crying, thinking about cutting my wrists. I feel like maybe I am being a little dramatic, but I can't make it stop. "It won't give up it wants me dead. God damn this noise inside my head"...and this is why I love the nin, there are words for all your misery. I have thought about dying plenty, I used to think about it all the time in high school. If I knew for sure that you could be a ghost and go to your own funeral, I no doubt would have killed myself back then. I always used to wonder who would actually care if I was dead. But this is totally different. Now it's about hating everything in my life and not wanting to deal with it and not knowing what to do about it. I get what Lisa did. I want to do the same thing. I want to just walk away and not worry about what I am walking away from and what impact it will have on anyone else. But if I do that everyone will judge me. I am not real good with that. I always do what I am supposed to do because people are judging me. (or at least I think they will, maybe I am just too self-important) When I was doing stuff I wasn't supposed to do, very few people ever knew about it, I am very secretive when I need to be. But anyway, if I was dead, they may be judging me, but I wouldn't be here to know about it.

And now while we are on it, let's move back to some dream interpretation. I am totally fucked in the head. Earlier this week I had some dream and there was a spider and a fly in it, but I cannot remember much about it. I think the spider was riding the fly, like it was a horse. The handy dream interpretation site tells me that to see flies symbolizes feelings of guilt. Huh...interesting. This is without me telling anyone but Stacy about something else that I have no intention of telling anyone but Stacy. Yeah, I have some guilt feelings. (I will say that I have not actually done anything, but I am still feeling guilty) Now, let's look at spiders, "you may want to stay away from an alluring or tempting situation". You don't say-you'll have to trust that it relates to the same thing. But it could also symbolize a "powerful force keeping you away from your self destructive behaviors". Which I suppose is a good thing. But I can tell you that the powerful force is not wanting anyone to hate me. Spiders "may symbolize feelings of being entangled or trapped". (who me?)

And by the way people...killing spiders...bad luck. No one believes me. But I don't kill the damn things and look at me. What do I know?

I did talk to my doctor about the PMS when I was there last week. He gave me several options. His preferred option was to try herbal remedies, which is what I am doing, but it could take up to three weeks to work - which does me no good when my PMS is happening now. So, if it's no better next month, I think I will move to option three. Option two was birth control pills. He is not fond of that option because there are studies that say prolonged use is linked to breast cancer and there are studies that say prolonged use is not linked to breast cancer. Prolonged use is ten years. What with I started taking them my senior year in high school and stopped around 1998, my ten years are up. So he said basically, you are making a choice of which study you choose to believe. I don't think I want to choose wrong. So option two is out. Plus I remembered the reason I stopped taking them in the first place-insurance doesn't pay for it. Option three is anti-depressants. Now last week when I was talking to him, I wasn't having a hard time pushing thoughts like "I wonder how bad it hurts to cut yourself" out of my head-he may have chosen that as option one for me had I said that. But since I did not, that was presented as option 3.

Dramatic aren't I? I know full well that now there are seven people who can read this. I think it is likely that only one of them does. But I am also into the "I have no friends"mode. Which doesn't help. I could ramble on, possibly all night. And I have even been going to bed early, so it's not overtired for a change. Although I am feeling physically exhausted for NO reason whatsoever. I may be having a "major depressive episode". What does it mean that I recognise this and am choosing not to do a damn thing about it. And why am I writing this here instead of in the journal that is next to my bed that no one actually reads. Well, except it would not surprise me in the least if my charming daughter read it when I wasn't home.

So I guess I'll just stop.