Really its Tuesday but it's a Tuesday that seems like Monday since there was a long weekend. And for some reason I am in a really good mood, for no reason at all; and I started this dumb song title thing that I have decided I am sticking with, dumb as it may be, and that's what came to mind.
I had something I wanted to blog about the other day and now I totally forget what it was. Must not have been very interesting or important. I do remember that I wanted to mention that I was at a barbecue on Sunday and there was someone there I went to high school with, Dena F (I don't want to put her whole name since she has no option to say take it out) and I decided that I was not going to go out of my way and say hello to her. I meant to tell this to Beth and may forget again later so, here it is next time you're here. So then I was thinking, ok, if I am not going to go say hi to her, and I had no problems with her in school, we weren't friends but we were on speaking terms when we had classes together, then why in the hell am I going to the reunion? Totally non-threatening environment and I was like "uh, yeah, I have nothing to say to her." So, the reunion should be interesting since I am sure that will not be nearly as friendly of an environment. Now I just have to ask my cousin why Dena was there in the first place!
I took some pictures with my new camera, was I bitching on here that I asked for a camera for Mother's Day and didn't get it? Because now I have it. The one he ordered was back ordered and so he eventually ordered something else and now I have that. I figured out how to do video too but I am not sure that can work on here. I'll do a separate post with the pictures. It's easier than trying to make the text work. I haven't quite mastered that yet.
I guess I am in a good mood because the end is in sight. Once June is here school is almost done. This week we only have four days. Next week two days I have workshops, the following week the kids have three half days so I have no full weeks with kids left, which is good. Although the days I am missing are my "reading buddy" days and I am only missing kindergarten and fifth grade. Thursday 5th is on a field trip so I won't have to see them. And today I had my friend with the "issues" that s/he has and s/he was perfectly well behaved today. Only have to see her one more time since next time she comes I won't be there.
I should make dinner. I don't really feel like it, but I guess I should. I have laundry to work on too. My mom called the other day and asked what I was doing. I said laundry. She said "every time I call you are doing laundry" (she calls like three times a week). So, yeah, laundry. I hate laundry...and ironing...forget that.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Lonely in Your Nightmare
I have a reason for choosing this song title, so it's only semi-random at this point. Although when it popped into my head in the first place it was completely random. Yesterday I had to go on Alyssa's field trip. On the wonderful bus ride to NYC I was listening to my MP3 player and Lonely in Your Nightmare came on it. Beth told me this was one of the choices of songs fans could vote for for the 'members of the fan club only' concert they are playing next month.
So as I was listening to all the cold out on your stone range, barren in your garden, heat beneath you winters, I thought, "huh, no way Simon is going to remember those lyrics." I don't even remember those lyrics and he was having issues with Friends of Mine on the last tour. I've seen him completely forget New Religion...and Beth it is NOT hard...which I also know all the words to. But whatever, I guess we'll see. It was just a random thing that popped into my head.
The field trip...I hate field trips. I never went on them with my kids when they were in public school and I was glad to get out of the classroom because it meant I didn't have to go on them with my class. But since my kids are now in Catholic school the rule is that they have to have a chaperone, if it is not you, you have to arrange it and send in a letter letting the school know who is responsible for your child. I assume this is because most of their trips include huge blocks of unscheduled time in major cities. Rob went on Brandon's trip last Friday to Inner Harbor in Baltimore-I already did that trip two years ago when Alyssa was in 6th grade.
The 8th grade trip is to NYC to see a show. This trip cost almost $200. We had to be at the school at 6:45 to leave at 7, there is isue number 1. They school uses the same bus company and there are always problems. There were two busses, one was nice, one was old and junky. The boys got to go on the nice bus, my opinion on why that was-one of the boys in 8th grade's mother is the teacher chaperone/class advisor. Of course, she's not going to put herself on the crappy bus, so the boys got the nice bus. Way to teach your son about being gracious to women. ;-> My seat didn't latch so if anyone bumped the back I got slammed back into a completely upright position and every time we hit a bump it bounced back and forth. Did I mention I get motion sickness? By the time we got there I was completely on the verge of puking.
We're on the NJ Turnpike, behind the other bus, people flying past us, we get pulled over! "Random inspections" that was a nice 15 minute delay. One of the mom's was freaking out because we had a time schedule for our tour of Rockefeller Center and we paid for it, etc. Yeah, it was 9 and we were about an hour away and our time was 10:45...we'll be fine woman, sit down. The girls didn't even notice what was going on at first that's how clueless they are. They were busy singing their graduation song, completely off key. I don't know who picked that song, but they sounded terrible and I can only imagine how much worse it's going to be with the boys singing. Ugh! I have that to look forward to next.
Our bus driver was perhaps the worst driver ever. Apparently the gas pedal is a switch, it is either on or off. Which made my seat bounce back and forth even more. Same with the brakes, off or on, suddenly. And the air conditioner was also either on or off, no happy medium. We were all either freezing - as in even the father's on the bus were pulling out their jackets, or it was stifling. I may have to change Brandon to a new school just so I don't have to go to DC next year!
We get to Rockefeller Center in plenty of time for our scheduled time-there is a bus only lane through the tunnel so even though it was completely backed up it didn't matter, we went in that lane. As far as I knew, we were supposed to have a tour, but all that happened was they sent us up in the elevator to the observation deck. I am not sure how much we paid for this "tour" I think $9, but it surely wasn't worth it. The itinerary had us there until almost noon but we were all ready to leave at about 11. We had from then until 1:30 to do whatever we wanted and get to the theater.
We went to some stores with Alyssa's friends, both named Ashley and their mothers. That was fine. I really didn't care, I was ok with just letting the girls do what they wanted since it was their trip. I think the whole idea is dumb because the kids don't spend time with each other. They only see each other if that's what the parents want to do. I think Great Adventure or something like that would be a better option. But no one asked me. Then again, I don't go to the 8th grade parent meetings either. All these trips are "traditions" anyway so I doubt it would make a difference if I did go. We had lunch and then went to the show.
The show was The Lion King. It was nice as far as shows go. I think I am "over that" right now. I used to be into going to these things but by the time it was over I had a headache and my butt hurt from sitting for three hours. Again on this being a dumb field trip, the tickets weren't even all together. Ashley W and her mom got there about five minutes before we did because I think she was trying to lose us and she hustled across the street in Times Square when the light was turning and I made Alyssa and Ashley F wait. Instead of waiting on the other side, which I would have done and I know the other mom would have, she just kept going. She was acting weird so whatever. She could have said she'd prefer to just go off on her own. I don't care, like I said, it was Alyssa's day and I wanted her to have fun.
The tickets we got were together, the four of us, but that was it. No one from the school was with us. After the show we saw Ashley W in the lobby and her mom was all "come on" and at that point I didn't want to deal with her either. I had already told Alyssa that I didn't think we were going to spend our two hours after the play with them because her mom was being weird. Plus Ashley F had said "Ooo Sephora" when we first got there but since Ashely W's mom didn't want to go there, we didn't. So I told Ashley I knew where the one in Times Square was and if it was ok with her mom we'd go there. When we came out of the play it was pouring, the girls were all three talking but then W's mom was all "come on" to her so I said to the girls "let's take a minute and figure out what we're doing so we can get there quick since it's raining.
We went to a few stores that the girls wanted to go to, they wanted McDonald's so that's where we went (W's mom nixed that idea for lunch-no idea why, seemed reasonable to me) then we went to Virgin MegaStore because it was still pouring and it was really all that was left where we could actually kill a good amount of time. We were right where they told us to be for the bus. Our brilliant driver went a whole block down and we had to run down the street to get on the bus and of course, at the time he showed up it was really pouring. We had all pretty much dried out while we were waiting for him and then got wet again. Of course, while we were waiting and could have walked down to where he actually stopped, it wasn't raining that much. Jerk.
It was 10 by the time we got back to the school. So I didn't get home until 10:30. Aly stayed at Ashely W's house. I asked her if she was still sure she wanted to do that after whatever was going on. At one point she and F were whispering about W - I didn't understand the explanation as to what was going on. I think it was "8th grade nonsense...she's controlling" something like that.
But I have to go eat something because I am going to Brandon's counseling appointment this evening. Fun fun. I think I need to get myself back on the schedule. If I feel like it I'll tell you all about that later. Or not.
So as I was listening to all the cold out on your stone range, barren in your garden, heat beneath you winters, I thought, "huh, no way Simon is going to remember those lyrics." I don't even remember those lyrics and he was having issues with Friends of Mine on the last tour. I've seen him completely forget New Religion...and Beth it is NOT hard...which I also know all the words to. But whatever, I guess we'll see. It was just a random thing that popped into my head.
The field trip...I hate field trips. I never went on them with my kids when they were in public school and I was glad to get out of the classroom because it meant I didn't have to go on them with my class. But since my kids are now in Catholic school the rule is that they have to have a chaperone, if it is not you, you have to arrange it and send in a letter letting the school know who is responsible for your child. I assume this is because most of their trips include huge blocks of unscheduled time in major cities. Rob went on Brandon's trip last Friday to Inner Harbor in Baltimore-I already did that trip two years ago when Alyssa was in 6th grade.
The 8th grade trip is to NYC to see a show. This trip cost almost $200. We had to be at the school at 6:45 to leave at 7, there is isue number 1. They school uses the same bus company and there are always problems. There were two busses, one was nice, one was old and junky. The boys got to go on the nice bus, my opinion on why that was-one of the boys in 8th grade's mother is the teacher chaperone/class advisor. Of course, she's not going to put herself on the crappy bus, so the boys got the nice bus. Way to teach your son about being gracious to women. ;-> My seat didn't latch so if anyone bumped the back I got slammed back into a completely upright position and every time we hit a bump it bounced back and forth. Did I mention I get motion sickness? By the time we got there I was completely on the verge of puking.
We're on the NJ Turnpike, behind the other bus, people flying past us, we get pulled over! "Random inspections" that was a nice 15 minute delay. One of the mom's was freaking out because we had a time schedule for our tour of Rockefeller Center and we paid for it, etc. Yeah, it was 9 and we were about an hour away and our time was 10:45...we'll be fine woman, sit down. The girls didn't even notice what was going on at first that's how clueless they are. They were busy singing their graduation song, completely off key. I don't know who picked that song, but they sounded terrible and I can only imagine how much worse it's going to be with the boys singing. Ugh! I have that to look forward to next.
Our bus driver was perhaps the worst driver ever. Apparently the gas pedal is a switch, it is either on or off. Which made my seat bounce back and forth even more. Same with the brakes, off or on, suddenly. And the air conditioner was also either on or off, no happy medium. We were all either freezing - as in even the father's on the bus were pulling out their jackets, or it was stifling. I may have to change Brandon to a new school just so I don't have to go to DC next year!
We get to Rockefeller Center in plenty of time for our scheduled time-there is a bus only lane through the tunnel so even though it was completely backed up it didn't matter, we went in that lane. As far as I knew, we were supposed to have a tour, but all that happened was they sent us up in the elevator to the observation deck. I am not sure how much we paid for this "tour" I think $9, but it surely wasn't worth it. The itinerary had us there until almost noon but we were all ready to leave at about 11. We had from then until 1:30 to do whatever we wanted and get to the theater.
We went to some stores with Alyssa's friends, both named Ashley and their mothers. That was fine. I really didn't care, I was ok with just letting the girls do what they wanted since it was their trip. I think the whole idea is dumb because the kids don't spend time with each other. They only see each other if that's what the parents want to do. I think Great Adventure or something like that would be a better option. But no one asked me. Then again, I don't go to the 8th grade parent meetings either. All these trips are "traditions" anyway so I doubt it would make a difference if I did go. We had lunch and then went to the show.
The show was The Lion King. It was nice as far as shows go. I think I am "over that" right now. I used to be into going to these things but by the time it was over I had a headache and my butt hurt from sitting for three hours. Again on this being a dumb field trip, the tickets weren't even all together. Ashley W and her mom got there about five minutes before we did because I think she was trying to lose us and she hustled across the street in Times Square when the light was turning and I made Alyssa and Ashley F wait. Instead of waiting on the other side, which I would have done and I know the other mom would have, she just kept going. She was acting weird so whatever. She could have said she'd prefer to just go off on her own. I don't care, like I said, it was Alyssa's day and I wanted her to have fun.
The tickets we got were together, the four of us, but that was it. No one from the school was with us. After the show we saw Ashley W in the lobby and her mom was all "come on" and at that point I didn't want to deal with her either. I had already told Alyssa that I didn't think we were going to spend our two hours after the play with them because her mom was being weird. Plus Ashley F had said "Ooo Sephora" when we first got there but since Ashely W's mom didn't want to go there, we didn't. So I told Ashley I knew where the one in Times Square was and if it was ok with her mom we'd go there. When we came out of the play it was pouring, the girls were all three talking but then W's mom was all "come on" to her so I said to the girls "let's take a minute and figure out what we're doing so we can get there quick since it's raining.
We went to a few stores that the girls wanted to go to, they wanted McDonald's so that's where we went (W's mom nixed that idea for lunch-no idea why, seemed reasonable to me) then we went to Virgin MegaStore because it was still pouring and it was really all that was left where we could actually kill a good amount of time. We were right where they told us to be for the bus. Our brilliant driver went a whole block down and we had to run down the street to get on the bus and of course, at the time he showed up it was really pouring. We had all pretty much dried out while we were waiting for him and then got wet again. Of course, while we were waiting and could have walked down to where he actually stopped, it wasn't raining that much. Jerk.
It was 10 by the time we got back to the school. So I didn't get home until 10:30. Aly stayed at Ashely W's house. I asked her if she was still sure she wanted to do that after whatever was going on. At one point she and F were whispering about W - I didn't understand the explanation as to what was going on. I think it was "8th grade nonsense...she's controlling" something like that.
But I have to go eat something because I am going to Brandon's counseling appointment this evening. Fun fun. I think I need to get myself back on the schedule. If I feel like it I'll tell you all about that later. Or not.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Bad Reputation
Keeping with the theme. That one's Joan Jett in case you didn't know. You have to read this post to know why I chose that for today.
My Uncle Jim forwards loads of dumb jokes and chain emails. I, thankfully, am not on his list. Stacy is and she forwards things to me that he sends that are actually funny or that she thinks I would want to read. I hear he sends about 10-15 things a day. Stacy forwards one or two maybe two days a week so her filter is pretty good. Today she sent me one about birthdays. It was SO right on that I had to share with everyone. Here is what is says for July:
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to
Be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed.
Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily
Consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's
Feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable.
Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.
Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.
Spazzy at times.
Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive
And forms impressions carefully. Caring and
Loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of
Sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people
Through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties
In studying. Loves to be with friends Always broods
About the past and the old friends. Waits for
Friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive
Unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt
But takes long to recover.
It's crazy how all of that is true about me. How can that be?? So, right now apparently my reputation is that I spaz when I have pms. Last week when Rob took Brandon to the counselor he said something about my being short-tempered or something and the counselor said "is she pms-ing?" See, everyone knows about it. And I did actually tell her one week that I can usually ignore most of Brandon's nonsense except for when I have pms. Now, in the past my bad reputation was for other, more interesting reasons. ;-> I am ok with that being gone. But then, since it is a chain email. It said this at the end...
Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days
Basically, "don't give a damn about my bad reputation".
My Uncle Jim forwards loads of dumb jokes and chain emails. I, thankfully, am not on his list. Stacy is and she forwards things to me that he sends that are actually funny or that she thinks I would want to read. I hear he sends about 10-15 things a day. Stacy forwards one or two maybe two days a week so her filter is pretty good. Today she sent me one about birthdays. It was SO right on that I had to share with everyone. Here is what is says for July:
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to
Be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed.
Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily
Consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's
Feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable.
Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.
Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.
Spazzy at times.
Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive
And forms impressions carefully. Caring and
Loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of
Sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people
Through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties
In studying. Loves to be with friends Always broods
About the past and the old friends. Waits for
Friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive
Unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt
But takes long to recover.
It's crazy how all of that is true about me. How can that be?? So, right now apparently my reputation is that I spaz when I have pms. Last week when Rob took Brandon to the counselor he said something about my being short-tempered or something and the counselor said "is she pms-ing?" See, everyone knows about it. And I did actually tell her one week that I can usually ignore most of Brandon's nonsense except for when I have pms. Now, in the past my bad reputation was for other, more interesting reasons. ;-> I am ok with that being gone. But then, since it is a chain email. It said this at the end...
Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days
Basically, "don't give a damn about my bad reputation".
Monday, May 07, 2007
Blue Monday
It's not really...I am just sticking with the song titles. This morning I took Brandon to Appel Farms Arts and Music Center where he is going to stay for three days for an "environmental embassadors" program. A teacher who he always claims doesn't like him chose him to participate. He told Rob this morning that he was terrified. He didn't mention it to me. He jumped right out of bed and was ready to go. Even carried his own things out to the car-and there were a lot of things. Actually, Aly and I helped, but that was just to make less trips, when I said "let's go" he started grabbing stuff to take out. Big stuff too! Shocking. I expected him to grab his pillow and leave the rest for me. I am worried that I didn't give him enough clothes but at the same time I know if I gave him too much stuff he would just be overwhelmed with all of it.
There are four kids there from 6B (that's his class) one of them was supposed to be his "archnemesis" Lorenzo, but Tyler is there instead. We don't know why but I am really glad because I was worried the whole thing was going to be ruined for him because he hates this kid. There are also going to be four kids from 6A but none of them were there yet, which is a little odd, all the 6B boys where there, no 6A, but the boys didn't know who it was going to be. I guess 6A and 6B don't speak to each other!
So here is how my weekend went. Friday night I went to my mom's for a while to see my Aunt Sue. I felt a little better when I got home and then I told Alyssa I needed the password for the email account she used to set up her MySpace. She said that it wasn't a real email account and there was no password. Now given her history, I have no reason to believe this claim; long story short, a shouting match ensued. She screamed "I just don't like you". Rob came and started shouting at us both to knock it off. I said I hate it here and left. I just drove around for a half hour. Then I came home and went to bed.
Saturday I was just pissy when I woke up. I had told Aly I didn't want to see her until she had an answer for me about the password. Her response was "I guess I'll never see you again then because I don't know what it is." It turns out that account really is nonexistent so I guess what I learned is that on the rare instance when Aly is telling the truth, she will actually fight with me rather than just quietly stick to her story. I was going to go somewhere away from everyone because I was in the I hate everyone mood but I decided to stay and help with the yardwork-which I just love.
So Rob and I worked in the yard and he made Aly come out and help. She had nothing else to do because she was still grounded. Sheila's grandfather stopped and asked me if she could come with them for pizza and I told him maybe next week if she can manage to follow the rules for one week! He seemed upset that he hasn't seen her for so long. Although, in actuality, she has not been grounded the entire month, we had something every Saturday in April. Brandon went to Nick's at 4. Aly was working with me in the front yard and I basically didn't even look at her all day and I said nothing at all to her. That went on for about three hours.
I got a shower and got ready to go out. I wanted to go get a new blanket for our bed and check out Old Navy. By then I was in a better mood but then Rob started yelling about something idiotic and pissed me right back off. Then he said he wanted to come with me. So I had to tell him he was being a jerk before and I wasn't sure I wanted him to come. Plus, this means Aly has to come because right now she is also not allowed to be home alone because we are trying to make a point that we are going to treat her like a baby if we can't trust her. So Rob said he was sorry and told Aly she had to come.
As we were getting ready to go she came to me, all on her own Rob says, and said she was sorry for what she said. She started crying and said she loved me and hugged me and was all emotional. So then I decided I would talk to her again. Very mature I know, not speaking to the 13 year old. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Old Navy. Very exciting. Alyssa got shoes, a bathing suit and a pair of sunglasses. Plus she got $10 for helping in the yard. Everything was fine until Brandon came home and started yelling about having to get a shower.
Sunday we all went to Kohl's because the kids have no summer clothes. That was fine but we spent $565 and that was after getting 15% off. But I did get $110 of Kohls cash that I can spend between the 9th and the 16th. I have a half day on Wednesday too because I have to pick Brandon up from this program. I'll run over to the new Kohls when I get done work because I'll have a couple hours to kill before I have to get Alyssa.
I have resumed copying stuff from Suzy's hard drive back onto the server. I had stopped doing that because I was in a mood. I am not sure if my mood has ended because I spent most of the day outside on Saturday, because my pms has subsided or because of those herbal supplements I have been taking. I hear mdma was originally prescribed for depression. I told Rob I want that. ;->
Why does the spellchecker in this place only work some of the time???
There are four kids there from 6B (that's his class) one of them was supposed to be his "archnemesis" Lorenzo, but Tyler is there instead. We don't know why but I am really glad because I was worried the whole thing was going to be ruined for him because he hates this kid. There are also going to be four kids from 6A but none of them were there yet, which is a little odd, all the 6B boys where there, no 6A, but the boys didn't know who it was going to be. I guess 6A and 6B don't speak to each other!
So here is how my weekend went. Friday night I went to my mom's for a while to see my Aunt Sue. I felt a little better when I got home and then I told Alyssa I needed the password for the email account she used to set up her MySpace. She said that it wasn't a real email account and there was no password. Now given her history, I have no reason to believe this claim; long story short, a shouting match ensued. She screamed "I just don't like you". Rob came and started shouting at us both to knock it off. I said I hate it here and left. I just drove around for a half hour. Then I came home and went to bed.
Saturday I was just pissy when I woke up. I had told Aly I didn't want to see her until she had an answer for me about the password. Her response was "I guess I'll never see you again then because I don't know what it is." It turns out that account really is nonexistent so I guess what I learned is that on the rare instance when Aly is telling the truth, she will actually fight with me rather than just quietly stick to her story. I was going to go somewhere away from everyone because I was in the I hate everyone mood but I decided to stay and help with the yardwork-which I just love.
So Rob and I worked in the yard and he made Aly come out and help. She had nothing else to do because she was still grounded. Sheila's grandfather stopped and asked me if she could come with them for pizza and I told him maybe next week if she can manage to follow the rules for one week! He seemed upset that he hasn't seen her for so long. Although, in actuality, she has not been grounded the entire month, we had something every Saturday in April. Brandon went to Nick's at 4. Aly was working with me in the front yard and I basically didn't even look at her all day and I said nothing at all to her. That went on for about three hours.
I got a shower and got ready to go out. I wanted to go get a new blanket for our bed and check out Old Navy. By then I was in a better mood but then Rob started yelling about something idiotic and pissed me right back off. Then he said he wanted to come with me. So I had to tell him he was being a jerk before and I wasn't sure I wanted him to come. Plus, this means Aly has to come because right now she is also not allowed to be home alone because we are trying to make a point that we are going to treat her like a baby if we can't trust her. So Rob said he was sorry and told Aly she had to come.
As we were getting ready to go she came to me, all on her own Rob says, and said she was sorry for what she said. She started crying and said she loved me and hugged me and was all emotional. So then I decided I would talk to her again. Very mature I know, not speaking to the 13 year old. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Old Navy. Very exciting. Alyssa got shoes, a bathing suit and a pair of sunglasses. Plus she got $10 for helping in the yard. Everything was fine until Brandon came home and started yelling about having to get a shower.
Sunday we all went to Kohl's because the kids have no summer clothes. That was fine but we spent $565 and that was after getting 15% off. But I did get $110 of Kohls cash that I can spend between the 9th and the 16th. I have a half day on Wednesday too because I have to pick Brandon up from this program. I'll run over to the new Kohls when I get done work because I'll have a couple hours to kill before I have to get Alyssa.
I have resumed copying stuff from Suzy's hard drive back onto the server. I had stopped doing that because I was in a mood. I am not sure if my mood has ended because I spent most of the day outside on Saturday, because my pms has subsided or because of those herbal supplements I have been taking. I hear mdma was originally prescribed for depression. I told Rob I want that. ;->
Why does the spellchecker in this place only work some of the time???
Friday, May 04, 2007
Still Breathing
It's intentional, song titles for titles. Seemed as good a one as any other. I guess writing on here is somewhat therapeutic, I felt a little better last night after I wrote. I have managed to stop wondering how long it takes to bleed to death and such so that's good. However, I still feel like just getting in bed and staying there, and for some reason I am absolutely freezing, and currently feel like puking. All good news.
My grandmother said I need a vacation. Gee, ya think? And where am I going to get time to do that? July, that's when. Til then I have to deal with the same crap on a daily basis. My lovely children who cannot be trusted out of my sight so I am basically saddled with 11 and 13 year old toddlers; my job which I hate; and my assistant who is driving me out of my mind. I seriously don't know how much more I can take of her either. If you think I complain a lot, let me take you to her. You will see that I am Little Miss Freaking Sunshine compared to her. She complains about her parking place every single morning! EVERY morning! Let it go already! At my other school NO parking places were close, everything was the boondocks. So whatever. I have to walk 50 steps to get into the building. I DON'T CARE!! And that is just the start of her complaining. It goes on from there ad infinitum.
I get to complain all I want here. Don't like it, quit reading. I do not complain all day long, every single day, to every person who crosses my path. If you don't want to do the triathlon this weekend at your kid's school don't volunteer to do it!! I don't do shit at my kids' school. Why? Because I hate it and it would make me miserable! So quit doing it! They'll be fine. Correction, I do Bingo, because we have no choice. Actually, Rob does it. And guess what, he says "ugh, I hate bingo" and that is the end of it. I'll bet no one he works with knows about it.
And seriously, your kid is refusing to do his homework, and has all D's right now, why the fuck are you spending your weekend taking him paintballing, which costs $50 each time? His ass would be in his room if he were my kid. Aly has been grounded for going on a month now because of a MySpace page. Her progress report was all "passing". If it was all D's and F's, she'd be grounded. If she told me the night before her project was due, that she had a project due, her ass would stay up all night alone doing it. I would sure as hell not be working on it for her while I was at work. Punish his ass and maybe he'll start doing his schoolwork. He's in high school for God's sake! This is what I want to say to her and I don't.
My aunt is here from Florida and my mom called to tell me they are there if I want to come over. I don't want to, but I really don't have a choice. It's go and pretend to be all happy and have something to say-which I don't right now because I want to go to bed. Or not go and hear about it later. Either way...no win situation.
There is something else...but I forget what.
My stomach hurts.
My grandmother said I need a vacation. Gee, ya think? And where am I going to get time to do that? July, that's when. Til then I have to deal with the same crap on a daily basis. My lovely children who cannot be trusted out of my sight so I am basically saddled with 11 and 13 year old toddlers; my job which I hate; and my assistant who is driving me out of my mind. I seriously don't know how much more I can take of her either. If you think I complain a lot, let me take you to her. You will see that I am Little Miss Freaking Sunshine compared to her. She complains about her parking place every single morning! EVERY morning! Let it go already! At my other school NO parking places were close, everything was the boondocks. So whatever. I have to walk 50 steps to get into the building. I DON'T CARE!! And that is just the start of her complaining. It goes on from there ad infinitum.
I get to complain all I want here. Don't like it, quit reading. I do not complain all day long, every single day, to every person who crosses my path. If you don't want to do the triathlon this weekend at your kid's school don't volunteer to do it!! I don't do shit at my kids' school. Why? Because I hate it and it would make me miserable! So quit doing it! They'll be fine. Correction, I do Bingo, because we have no choice. Actually, Rob does it. And guess what, he says "ugh, I hate bingo" and that is the end of it. I'll bet no one he works with knows about it.
And seriously, your kid is refusing to do his homework, and has all D's right now, why the fuck are you spending your weekend taking him paintballing, which costs $50 each time? His ass would be in his room if he were my kid. Aly has been grounded for going on a month now because of a MySpace page. Her progress report was all "passing". If it was all D's and F's, she'd be grounded. If she told me the night before her project was due, that she had a project due, her ass would stay up all night alone doing it. I would sure as hell not be working on it for her while I was at work. Punish his ass and maybe he'll start doing his schoolwork. He's in high school for God's sake! This is what I want to say to her and I don't.
My aunt is here from Florida and my mom called to tell me they are there if I want to come over. I don't want to, but I really don't have a choice. It's go and pretend to be all happy and have something to say-which I don't right now because I want to go to bed. Or not go and hear about it later. Either way...no win situation.
There is something else...but I forget what.
My stomach hurts.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
March of the Pigs
I am having a really bad few days. I suspect, once again, that PMS is partly to blame for it but there are other contributing factors which make my life generally suck. But for some reason I have this song stuck in my head. I confess I am not completely sure what the song is about, I have a general idea. Maybe it's just that there is screaming and then calm in it. Maybe it does just make me feel better. And if any of my friends are actually reading this, it may help if you knew the lyrics. It's enough to know that there is yelling and then quiet and it says "now doesn't it make you feel better?" Downward Spiral, Closer comes after it, I listened to that too. I know what that's about. Self-loathing, in case you weren't sure...that's what I hear anyway ;->
Yeah, I am completely rambling this evening. The crazy does that to a person. I spent an hour on my bed curled up and crying, thinking about cutting my wrists. I feel like maybe I am being a little dramatic, but I can't make it stop. "It won't give up it wants me dead. God damn this noise inside my head"...and this is why I love the nin, there are words for all your misery. I have thought about dying plenty, I used to think about it all the time in high school. If I knew for sure that you could be a ghost and go to your own funeral, I no doubt would have killed myself back then. I always used to wonder who would actually care if I was dead. But this is totally different. Now it's about hating everything in my life and not wanting to deal with it and not knowing what to do about it. I get what Lisa did. I want to do the same thing. I want to just walk away and not worry about what I am walking away from and what impact it will have on anyone else. But if I do that everyone will judge me. I am not real good with that. I always do what I am supposed to do because people are judging me. (or at least I think they will, maybe I am just too self-important) When I was doing stuff I wasn't supposed to do, very few people ever knew about it, I am very secretive when I need to be. But anyway, if I was dead, they may be judging me, but I wouldn't be here to know about it.
And now while we are on it, let's move back to some dream interpretation. I am totally fucked in the head. Earlier this week I had some dream and there was a spider and a fly in it, but I cannot remember much about it. I think the spider was riding the fly, like it was a horse. The handy dream interpretation site tells me that to see flies symbolizes feelings of guilt. Huh...interesting. This is without me telling anyone but Stacy about something else that I have no intention of telling anyone but Stacy. Yeah, I have some guilt feelings. (I will say that I have not actually done anything, but I am still feeling guilty) Now, let's look at spiders, "you may want to stay away from an alluring or tempting situation". You don't say-you'll have to trust that it relates to the same thing. But it could also symbolize a "powerful force keeping you away from your self destructive behaviors". Which I suppose is a good thing. But I can tell you that the powerful force is not wanting anyone to hate me. Spiders "may symbolize feelings of being entangled or trapped". (who me?)
And by the way people...killing spiders...bad luck. No one believes me. But I don't kill the damn things and look at me. What do I know?
I did talk to my doctor about the PMS when I was there last week. He gave me several options. His preferred option was to try herbal remedies, which is what I am doing, but it could take up to three weeks to work - which does me no good when my PMS is happening now. So, if it's no better next month, I think I will move to option three. Option two was birth control pills. He is not fond of that option because there are studies that say prolonged use is linked to breast cancer and there are studies that say prolonged use is not linked to breast cancer. Prolonged use is ten years. What with I started taking them my senior year in high school and stopped around 1998, my ten years are up. So he said basically, you are making a choice of which study you choose to believe. I don't think I want to choose wrong. So option two is out. Plus I remembered the reason I stopped taking them in the first place-insurance doesn't pay for it. Option three is anti-depressants. Now last week when I was talking to him, I wasn't having a hard time pushing thoughts like "I wonder how bad it hurts to cut yourself" out of my head-he may have chosen that as option one for me had I said that. But since I did not, that was presented as option 3.
Dramatic aren't I? I know full well that now there are seven people who can read this. I think it is likely that only one of them does. But I am also into the "I have no friends"mode. Which doesn't help. I could ramble on, possibly all night. And I have even been going to bed early, so it's not overtired for a change. Although I am feeling physically exhausted for NO reason whatsoever. I may be having a "major depressive episode". What does it mean that I recognise this and am choosing not to do a damn thing about it. And why am I writing this here instead of in the journal that is next to my bed that no one actually reads. Well, except it would not surprise me in the least if my charming daughter read it when I wasn't home.
So I guess I'll just stop.
Yeah, I am completely rambling this evening. The crazy does that to a person. I spent an hour on my bed curled up and crying, thinking about cutting my wrists. I feel like maybe I am being a little dramatic, but I can't make it stop. "It won't give up it wants me dead. God damn this noise inside my head"...and this is why I love the nin, there are words for all your misery. I have thought about dying plenty, I used to think about it all the time in high school. If I knew for sure that you could be a ghost and go to your own funeral, I no doubt would have killed myself back then. I always used to wonder who would actually care if I was dead. But this is totally different. Now it's about hating everything in my life and not wanting to deal with it and not knowing what to do about it. I get what Lisa did. I want to do the same thing. I want to just walk away and not worry about what I am walking away from and what impact it will have on anyone else. But if I do that everyone will judge me. I am not real good with that. I always do what I am supposed to do because people are judging me. (or at least I think they will, maybe I am just too self-important) When I was doing stuff I wasn't supposed to do, very few people ever knew about it, I am very secretive when I need to be. But anyway, if I was dead, they may be judging me, but I wouldn't be here to know about it.
And now while we are on it, let's move back to some dream interpretation. I am totally fucked in the head. Earlier this week I had some dream and there was a spider and a fly in it, but I cannot remember much about it. I think the spider was riding the fly, like it was a horse. The handy dream interpretation site tells me that to see flies symbolizes feelings of guilt. Huh...interesting. This is without me telling anyone but Stacy about something else that I have no intention of telling anyone but Stacy. Yeah, I have some guilt feelings. (I will say that I have not actually done anything, but I am still feeling guilty) Now, let's look at spiders, "you may want to stay away from an alluring or tempting situation". You don't say-you'll have to trust that it relates to the same thing. But it could also symbolize a "powerful force keeping you away from your self destructive behaviors". Which I suppose is a good thing. But I can tell you that the powerful force is not wanting anyone to hate me. Spiders "may symbolize feelings of being entangled or trapped". (who me?)
And by the way people...killing spiders...bad luck. No one believes me. But I don't kill the damn things and look at me. What do I know?
I did talk to my doctor about the PMS when I was there last week. He gave me several options. His preferred option was to try herbal remedies, which is what I am doing, but it could take up to three weeks to work - which does me no good when my PMS is happening now. So, if it's no better next month, I think I will move to option three. Option two was birth control pills. He is not fond of that option because there are studies that say prolonged use is linked to breast cancer and there are studies that say prolonged use is not linked to breast cancer. Prolonged use is ten years. What with I started taking them my senior year in high school and stopped around 1998, my ten years are up. So he said basically, you are making a choice of which study you choose to believe. I don't think I want to choose wrong. So option two is out. Plus I remembered the reason I stopped taking them in the first place-insurance doesn't pay for it. Option three is anti-depressants. Now last week when I was talking to him, I wasn't having a hard time pushing thoughts like "I wonder how bad it hurts to cut yourself" out of my head-he may have chosen that as option one for me had I said that. But since I did not, that was presented as option 3.
Dramatic aren't I? I know full well that now there are seven people who can read this. I think it is likely that only one of them does. But I am also into the "I have no friends"mode. Which doesn't help. I could ramble on, possibly all night. And I have even been going to bed early, so it's not overtired for a change. Although I am feeling physically exhausted for NO reason whatsoever. I may be having a "major depressive episode". What does it mean that I recognise this and am choosing not to do a damn thing about it. And why am I writing this here instead of in the journal that is next to my bed that no one actually reads. Well, except it would not surprise me in the least if my charming daughter read it when I wasn't home.
So I guess I'll just stop.
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